


I Can't Breathe (Save Me)

by Child_Of_Wonderland



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo (Shadowhunters/The Mortal Instruments) [7]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Panic Attacks, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane Takes Care of Alec Lightwood, Panic Attacks, Protective Jace Wayland, Protective Magnus Bane, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 04:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19760596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Child_Of_Wonderland/pseuds/Child_Of_Wonderland
Summary: After a mission gone wrong, all the mistakes catch up with Alec and he spirals. Magnus and Jace are there to help him come back.





	I Can't Breathe (Save Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Hyperventilating (I tried a writing this slightly differently than I normally would have, I hope it's okay)
> 
> ALSO! @LightwoodLover who commented on the past one-shot All Scars Leave Stories (Especially the Bad Ones). I hope you end up reading this one too! I'm super sorry but I accidentally clicked a button and idk what happened to the comment (I'm new to figuring out how AO3 works) but I'm just going to answer it here! Thank you for the epic comment and kind words, I am aiming to do all the bingo and yes! I did start a tumblr for this challenge which is the same as my username here child-of-wonderland (just dashes instead of underscores)! Sorry again!

Alec wants to scream, scream and fight until it all just stops. A mission gone wrong, Clary injured, Izzy injured, Jace angry. Alec slides down the wall in his office, holding his head in his hands. It won’t stop. He did his best, he swears he did his best. It wasn’t his fault, he did all he could. There were too many demons, it’s not his fault, he did his best. _ “Well then maybe your mother was right and your best just isn’t good enough.”  _ Jace screams at him, the failure to track Clary all those months ago coming to his mind. Guilt is eating at him, it’s killing him and he can’t breathe. Alec wants to scream again, his chest heaving as he tries to steady his shaking hands and racing mind. He screws his eyes shut and all he can see is Clary lying on the ground, blood gushing from her shoulder as Jace yells at him. Izzy leaning against the wall beside her, gently checking over Clary and applying an iratze despite the cut on her forehead. There’s blood sliding down the side of her face and Alec can see the pain in her eyes even with her being turned around. That look is probably going to be burned into his retinas for the rest of his life. He did all he could. He did his best. He tried, he promises he tried everything he could to keep them safe. Behind closed eyes, Jace is still yelling but Alec can’t hear any of the words. All he can see it Jace shouting and screaming, banging the wall in anger before grabbing Clary and wrapping an arm around Izzy. He pushes past Alec, sending his parabatai into the other wall of the alley before storming towards the institute. Izzy turns around but Alec doesn’t see her, he’s too focused on the heart that is bursting against his chest. He wants it to stop. He wants to go home. _ “Life is not about what you want to do, it is about what must be done.”  _ His mother is yelling, pointing and blaming him. She always will. He didn’t do good enough. He would never be good enough. His parents would flip, of course they would. The mission was unsanctioned. His sister was injured, he couldn’t save her. He couldn’t do anything. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. Alec wants to scream, he wants to make it all stop. His chest heaves and logically, Alec knows he’s breathing but there’s no air. He can’t get any air in, he may be breathing but it’s not doing anything. Alec pushes his fingers into his eyes until stars start to appear. His chest is heaving but there’s no air, there can’t be any air. Why can’t he breathe? He pulls his knees to his chest, Jace is still screaming at him behind his eyes. Izzy and Clary are still hurt, bleeding. They’re angry, they hate him.  _ “Why are you still here?” _ The image of Clary from Max’s rune party appears in his eyes, shouting at him. She didn’t mean it, she couldn’t mean it.  _ “Nobody is going to miss you.”  _ Clary’s angry voice appears again, shouting at him. He knows it’s true, Jace hates him. Izzy hates him. He wasn’t careful enough, he couldn’t protect Izzy or protect Clary. Jace has every right to hate him. Izzy has every right. Magnus would be better off without him, he could be a better leader without him.  _ “You looked me straight in the eyes and lied to me. I guess it runs in the family.” _ He wouldn’t have to deal with lies and secrets, he wouldn’t have to deal with choosing between the two sides of him. Besides, Alec wasn’t worth it. Magnus would move on, it wouldn’t be hard. He would never be worth it. Magnus would be fine without him. Jace would be fine without him. Izzy would be fine without him. So why was he still here? Why didn’t he just end it on that roof? His chest is heaving but there’s no air. He can’t get air into his lungs, he can’t breathe. It hurts, his lungs burn and his chest is heaving faster and faster. His head is spinning as his family screams at him, no words are heard but they’re screaming. They’re faces are contorted into angry expressions, blaming him and yelling at him. Why is he still here? Alec wants to scream. He’s dizzy, the room is spinning and everything sounds like he’s underwater. He can hear people walking outside his office but they’re muted. Maybe something is going on but Alec can’t even breathe, he’s not good enough to help. He’s not good enough, he’ll just hurt everyone. He’s never going to be good enough. He did his best but it wasn’t good enough. It would never be good enough. He can’t breathe, his chest is heaving frantically but his lungs burn. He knows he’s breathing but there’s no air getting in. He’s going to die here, in his office with his family screaming at him behind closed eyes. His vision is blurring, the office is spinning, and he can’t breathe. He wants it all to stop. He needs it all to just stop. His vision is going black around the edges but he doesn’t want to close his eyes again, he knows what he’ll find there. The door bangs open but Alec can’t even bring himself to look up from his spot behind his desk. He knows he’s hidden from view so he figures the person will leave sooner or later.

“Alec?” Jace’s voice cuts through the haze, worry and panic in his voice and Alec can practically feel the stab of fear through the bond. Alec can’t answer and the only sound in the room is the sound of gasping breaths that Alec is sure is from Jace. It can’t be him, he can’t get any air into his lungs, he still can’t breathe.

“Alec!” Jace shouts, setting his hands on Alec’s shoulder and Alec shakes his head desperately, practically begging for it to all just stop, “Come on buddy, come on. Try to breathe, come on.” Alec tries but it sputters out as he continues to try and heave for air. His lungs are burning from lack of air and Jace pulls Alec harshly towards his chest. 

“Alec, try.” Jace begs and exaggerates his breaths. Alec leans against his brother’s chest and tries to heave, “Alec, I need you to breathe. Come on, don’t breathe through your mouth, just you nose. You’re hyperventilating.” Alec blinks at the blurry image of his parabatai and shakes his head. He can’t be hyperventilating, he can’t even breathe. Alec presses his lips together, just breathing through his nose.

“You’re doing good Alec, come on.” Jace encourages and rubs his back. Alec can slowly start to breathe again, his lungs finally stopping to burn and he collapses against his brother, now gasping for air.

“There you go.” Jace nods his head and the door opens again, this time revealing Magnus. The warlock kneels down in front of Alec, checking over the boy quickly. Alec’s brain is starting to clear as he can breathe again and he closes his eyes. His family is back screaming at him and his eyes fly open, pushing back away from the two of them. 

“Sorry.” Alec whispers and watches as Jace exchanges a look with Magnus before the two of them go towards where Alec is sitting.

“Alec, you don’t need to apologize.” Jace insists but Alec shakes his head. Magnus reaches to set a hand on Alec’s shoulder, peering at him with worried eyes.

“You should hate me.” Alec gasps out, curling in on himself more, “I got Clary hurt, I wasn’t fast enough.” Jace grimaces slightly and Alec takes that as a sign of anger, ducking his head. He knows Jace is about to leave, he should. Alec isn’t a good brother or parabatai, he’s not a good fighter, he’s just not good enough. 

“Alec, I don’t blame you. I overreacted, it wasn’t your fault.” Jace tries to reassure but Alec shakes his head, pressing his back against the wall as if he’s desperately trying to get away from the rest of them. 

“You should. I tried my best and still failed.” Alec chokes out and turns to Magnus, “You should hate me, I lied to you. I lied about the Soul Sword.” Magnus closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. They had talked about that already, had spent days working to fix the ground that came with lying and leaving out of fear. It was hard but Magnus had thought that they were finally getting past that.

“Alexander, it’s okay. We’ve talked about this, we’re okay. Come on, it’s going to be okay.” Magnus tries to get through but it’s not working, Alec is curling up into a ball against the wall. He pushes his knees into his chest, trying to get rid of the tightness in his chest.

“Alec, it is not your fault.” Jace states as simply as possible and Alec meets his parabatai’s eyes, “Listen to me Alec, it is not your fault. I am not mad at you.” Alec can feel a stab of guilt go through him and realizes it’s from Jace. He can’t be mad at him when Jace is feeling bad about it. 

“Listen to him darling.” Magnus comforts, sliding an arm around Alec’s shoulders. The shadowhunter leans against Magnus, relaxing as Magnus rubs the back of his neck. Jace reaches forward, putting a hand on Alec’s shoulder to make the shadowhunter look at him.

“I overreacted Alec, it is not your fault.” Jace reassures and Alec nods his head, taking a deep breathe as Jace gives him a reassuring smile.

“Thank you.” Alec whispers and Jace nods his head, rising to his feet. He sits in Alec’s desk chair, spinning to face where Alec is still leaning against Magnus. He yawns from tiredness, blinking sleepily.

“Go home Alec, rest.” Jace insists, “I can handle the rest of the night.” Alec is about to jump in and argue but Magnus interrupts him almost immediately.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea. We should talk anyway darling.” Magnus runs a hand over Alec’s cheek, wiping away the tears that had stuck to Alec’s cheek. Alec hadn’t even realized he had been crying but he leans into Magnus’s hand, enjoying the feeling of having Magnus close to him.

“Okay.” Alec relents and Jace sighs in relief, nodding at Magnus as the warlock opens a portal into the loft’s living room. Magnus puts a hand on Alec’s lower back, leading him into the portal. Alec collapses onto the couch as soon as he gets into the loft. Magnus fusses over him, brushing his hair out of Alec’s face and slips Alec’s jacket off. He runs his hands down Alec’s arms and looks for any sight of blood. Alec leans back, letting Magnus finish checking over him before falling back beside Alec. Alec glances over at him and meets Magnus’s eyes for a moment before dropping his eyes to his lap. 

“Darling, you can’t think that I’m still mad at you about the Soul Sword.” Magnus states and when Alec turns, refusing to meet Magnus’s eyes, the warlock feels his heart sink. Magnus reaches for Alec’s chin, tilting so the two of them are eye to eye, “Alexander. We talked about it. I forgave you a long time ago, darling, you can’t keep blaming yourself for these things. It’s not good for you.” Magnus kisses Alec’s temple, pulling Alec towards his chest and letting Alec settle between his legs.

“I don’t want to lose you again.” Alec’s voice cracks halfway through and when he finishes, he buries his face in his hands to hide his face. Magnus tenses slightly before wrapping his arms around Alec’s midsection, squeezing him close. Alec relaxes against him and opens his mouth to keep talking, “I can’t lose you again Magnus.” 

“I’m going to be here no matter what, listen to me Alexander, we talked about it. Yes, I was hurt by you not telling me but I know you didn’t have a choice. You’re not going to lose me darling, I’m right here. Look at me, I’m right here.” Magnus reassures and gives Alec a reassuring smile whenever the shadowhunter turns to look at him. Alec’s eyes are shining and Magnus gently brushes a hand through his hair.

“Can we take a bath?” Alec asks softly and his eyes are hopeful. Magnus really has no room to deny Alec anything, especially not when he’s looking up at the warlock so hopefully.

“Of course my dear.” Magnus smiles back at his lover and carefully moves so the two of them are sitting on the couch. He stands up, extending his hand to Alec, and leads the two of them into the bathroom. He snaps his fingers and the oversized bath in their bathroom fills immediately with perfect water. Magnus can feel Alec start to relax as Magnus snaps again, wrapping towels around both their waists. Magnus leans against Alec’s chest this time, letting Alec play with his hair as the two of them settle themselves in the bathtub. Alec’s shoulders droop as he relaxes, sliding down until his shoulders are covered in water. Magnus sinks down with him, leaving his head in a place to where Alec can still play with his hair as he tries and relaxes. From where Magnus is, he can still feel Alec’s heart still racing.

“Alexander, what can I do?” Magnus whispers and he turns to look at Alec with a small, worried look, “I just want to help you.” Alec smiles slightly at him and continues to play with Magnus’s hair, trying to distract himself.

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” Alec insists but Magnus doesn’t seem to like that answer and he turns again to face Alec. The movement forces Alec to drop the hand that had been playing with Magnus’s hair and his eyes flash with a bit of hurt.

“What can I do?” Magnus repeats again, his eyes begging and Alec shrugs his shoulders before pulling Magnus back to him.

“I don’t know. I usually just wait it out.” Alec murmurs and Magnus nods his head sadly, leaning into Alec’s chest, “This helps. Running my hands through your hair, it...I don’t know. Grounds me?” Magnus nods before sinking further into the water, letting Alec continue to place with his hair. Magnus isn’t sure how long they sit there, Alec’s hands running through Magnus’s hair as he breathes calmly but by the time they get out, the water is cold. Alec shivers as they step out and Magnus snaps his fingers, wrapping fluffy towels around them once again. 

“Martini?” Magnus offers after they pull on some clothes and Alec smiles at him, grabbing Magnus’s hand and nods his head. The warlock smiles and pulls Alec towards the couch, waving a hand. Two drinks appear in front of him on the coffee table and Alec relaxes against the couch, drink in hand and he sends a smile at Magnus. He could get use to being cared for the way Magnus cares for him.


End file.
